Carry on.

Choisir, 선택함, To Choose

“Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn’t, it is of no use.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

Do most people tackling a master program get cold feet as they approach the start of their program? Perhaps I’m the only one. Then again, perhaps most people are better at hiding it than I am. My course hasn’t even started yet and I’ve often wondered if I had made the right choice to go to my program. Yes, the deposit is paid, and I’ve spent a tonne of money on books and supplies. But I look at the past and see myself as someone who has been clawing his way through life, finding success mostly by being the beneficiary of the efforts of so many people’s time, talents and resources, rather than any personal effort or skill on my part.

Do I deserve to be where I am today? Do I belong where I am at the moment?

I look at my wife and children who have given me so much of themselves and realize that the above questions matter little. Whether I deserve or belong with the company that I am about to learn with doesn’t matter. What does matter is that my family deserves more than what I can give them at the moment. And if there’s something more that I can give or sacrifice to have them get the best out of life, I need to do my best to give it to them. Even if it means slugging away at case studies, textbooks and academic journals.

So many things are running through my head. I haven’t really had time in the past few months to reflect on what really is going on with my life these days. So many wonderful, dreadful and exhilerating changes have come to us as a family. As my children grow (too quickly it seems), the more difficult it gets to sit back and relax and look around to see those changes, let alone reflect.

And when you get a chance to type it on a blog, or write it down on paper, it just bursts out in an uncontrolled, uncomprehensable dialogue of verbal diareha.

I wish I can express every little thing I’m feeling at the moment, but I just feel so much. I feel inadequate, humbled, yet in awe and grateful for this chance at schooling. Although I’m just happy to be here, like Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I hope to experience it all and have the best time of my life here at my MBA program.

Sorry for the jumbled post. I just wanted to get it out – even though it really doesn’t make much sense.


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