Carry on.

Well… here goes…

I logged onto the other day to register for my GMAT exam. Entered in my credit card number… Yikes! I need to pay $265.00 US to prove to a school that I can solve arcane data sufficiency problems, correct sentences using erudite vocabulary and read through boring, complex prose that I would never read given the choice.

Wil Wheaton often writes about the voice of self doubt – a voice that I’m all too familliar with.

“What are you doing, Herb? What makes you think you can get into Grad school?”

Funny how that voice creeps up when you’re about to make a serious commitment… like paying a registration fee for an exam. My index finger hesitated for a lot longer than I imagined… Self Doubt was creeping in.

“Where will you get the money? Where will you get the time?”

True… I didn’t have the money… I figured that I would get my work to pay or use the equity of the house. I really don’t have much time. My wife hardly sees me. My children are growing up to fast. Where will I find the time to study? I clicked the back button… I wasn’t really sure anymore.

“Your grades aren’t exact at the genius level. What school would ever take someone like you? You have no hope in getting into a good school. Why waste your time and money. Don’t click that button.”

I wasn’t sure anymore. It’s true that my grades weren’t good in the beginning. But they’re quite good now. I thought about it more… and I realized that my whole family was riding on this moment – the decision to go to graduate school. I had to do this. They deserve the best, and I must try my best to give it – voice of self doubt be damned.

And if not for them… for me. I really want to know if I’m cut out for Graduate work. During my childhood, I saw myself as that successful genius who had all the world open to him – because I was smart. During my university days, all of that disappeared in a cloud of failure and I saw myself as nothing more than a has been. When I went back to college, I got into the groove again.

So who am I? That genius that I built up in the mind of my childhood? Or am I that underachieving sloth in University?

You may argue that it’s just a test… and that it’s nothing more than an excuse for test takers to take $265.00 USD from you. But to me… it really matters. I want to get in. I must. Now is not the the time to flake out.
“Well… here goes…” I thought. I clicked on Submit. I’ll be writing the exam on August 30th.

For those that know me… wish me “Good Skill”. For those that don’t “Good Luck” would be just fine.

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