Carry on.

About the past

What do you think? Is it worth telling your wife about your past, particularly about people you’ve liked and people you’ve had relationships with? After almost four years of marriage, I haven’t really been forthcoming to my wife at all.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t want her to be jealous. There’s no need to be. Perhaps because I’m so afraid that she will constantly remind me of all the things I’ve done. Perhaps it’s because I don’t really care to remember them at all.

It’s probably all of those things. But lately, I’ve been thinking long and hard about how fair I have been to my wife. These past few days have shown that she doesn’t know everything there is to know about me. She found my entries (Which have since been deleted) regarding the “ugly” incident. She has never seen that side of me, and I hope she never does again. But it shows that she doesn’t know everything there is to know about me.

Am I being dishonest from hiding my past? Am I being being dishonest from hiding part of my worst self? I want her to love me… All of me… and I’m starting to think that I need to answer everything honestly. It may hurt her… It may make her jealous, but at least she’ll learn to love all of me.

Perhaps I’m being selfish. I tell myself that I’m protecting her from her jealousy, when in fact, I just don’t want her talking about my past.

Perhaps I’m being selfish in a different way. It’s just getting harder and harder to hide the way I was in the past. Part of me is tired of blocking and tired of limiting information about me from so long ago.

When I was little never thought I would have to hide my past from my wife. This is definitly not right. She deserves complete honesty, even though it may hurt her to hear things about my past.

This will be the hardest thing to do. My wife sees me a certain way, and I don’t know how she’ll handle knowing how I was in my past relationships. But she deserves to know everything about me. I must love her and be honest with her. I must trust her, trust that she will not stop loving me or compare herself to those in my past.

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