Carry on.

I need another dream.

I’m still trying. Still here. And I know that eventually, things will look up.

I recently turned down the chance to pursue my dream job – Foreign Service Officer to the government.

I turned down all that came with it:
– guaranteed employment
– guaranteed career path
– generous pension
– prestigious preparatory school for my children
– my dream of travel from country to country and the cultural experiences that came with it

Why?
– I prayed about it and came to the conclusion that this was not the opportunity for me
– my family did not want the continual adjustment every five years
– they’re happy where they are.
– Family didn’t want the chance of going to a country that didn’t have the same standard of living as Canada’s
– I didn’t have buy in from the rest of my family
– I can’t force this on my family. They will not be happy.

Implications – Cons
– I have to live with the words “what if” for the rest of my life.
– I will never have this chance again – federal budget has been cut for the next five years – freeze on new hires.
– I will have to live in the same city as them – people who want to see me fail and who influence my family on a daily basis

Implications – things to do
– Find another dream in life
– Find a way to forget the old dream
– Focus on the positive – try to be happy
– Find a way to deal with the negative influences on my family.
– Find a way to compete in my highly, highly competitive work environment

Implication – Pros
– At least my family won’t have to adjust. At least they will know where everything they want is.
– At least they will be happy
– At least they will have a stable life to live in – provided that I stay sane.

The Implications -things to do list will be difficult. Although my prayer gave me the strongest impression to turn in down, my heart and mind have been focussed so long on that goal that it’s hard to change. And now, I don’t know where to focus on anymore. Sure, school is there, but what after that? I had this dream of travel, but I know that it won’t happen any more. Missions to pay for, children’s education to pay for – things that the Foreign Service Job could have helped with… in all honesty, the door to travel has been shut.

Tightly.

As with other dreams in the past, I must forget the old dream. Or at least push it out of the way. It hurts too much. And the fact that I chose this path makes it hurt even more because it’s the right choice.

I need to find another dream. What that is I have no idea.

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