Carry on.

Ambiguity

E has a saying, “Go with the flow.” She takes life as it comes. When opportunity presents itself, she takes it and goes as far along as the opportunity takes her. This philosophy brought her to her teaching career, and it led her to immigrate to Canada as a live in caregiver. She has become an accomplished accounting clerk in the process and is now working very hard raising three young children. “Going with the flow” is part of her personality and serves her well.
I am not like that. At least, I don’t think I am. I feel that you make your opportunities and that you are responsible for the direction that you take. Opportunities are to be reached out and grabbed for, not passively waited for. I find it difficult to leave things in the air just hoping that they would happen.
But happen they do. Was I responsible for running into the Church? No. Was I solely responsible for getting the opportunity to serve as a missionary in Korea? No. Meeting my wife? Being re-admitted to the Capilano school of Business? Getting a scholarship? Going to London to participate in a conference? No, No and No.

Why? The Church coming to my life, the greatest thing to happen to me, wasn’t something that I sought at first. My wife immigrating here with her meeting me at a dance I originally didn’t want to go to was not “happenstance”. Although I filled out the application forms, for the school and scholarship opportunities, ultimately, there was another power at work that I had absolutely no responsibility for.

People call it chance, luck or coincidence. Others may go as far as to say “divine providence”. I call it direct intervention from Heavenly Father in my life. I make choices, and he multiplies those choices with amazing results. He is the reason why I am here today.

I think the key is that I make choices and he fills the gaps. I choose to go in a certain direction and He helps me along. If I refuse to go in the right direction, I feel it… keenly and face the consequences. But he has always blessed me for coming back.
Granted, good things don’t always happen. If God granted every desire and every wish that I ever wanted, I’d end up being like a spoiled child that refuses to spiritually grow up.

Right now, I’m in a situation where I’m trying to do the right things, but I am unsure if where I’m going is the right direction. Do I go for an MBA now? Do I focus on working? Should we be moving east to Ontario or south to the States, or West to Asia for new opportunities? As I move closer to graduation, things become more and more ambiguous and uncertain in the sense of where I should be in my life and where I should take my family.

School is a funny thing. It’s safe. You go to classes, do your homework, get your grades and move on to the next course. You’ve accomplished something each time you pass a course. Accomplishment after accomplishment you feel like you’re getting things done. What happens when all the courses have been taken, the degree had been granted and you’re off to face the real world again? Darned if I know.

Those of you who have a career-related job lined up or an offer from a graduate program are in an enviable position. You know where you’re going after you finish. Right now, I don’t…. and part of me is concerned because it’s not just my life that’s at stake. The lives of four people that I care about the most are at stake as well, and I can’t fail them.
And that’s where faith comes in. Hoping that somehow… things will be alright… and that He’ll provide somehow. I guess that’s why “going with the flow” comes so easily to E. She is full of Faith in God… and he has provided accordingly. I fall short in this category. Faith is something that I have been lacking in as of late. I guess that’s why I’ve been so worried. heh… I remember my St. Michael’s 7th grade graduation where they read from 1 Corinthians 13 – the linkage between Faith and Hope. Without faith there cannot be any hope.

So to relieve this ambiguity, I need to increase my faith that somehow He will provide. I’ll still make choices and I’ll still do all that I can to ensure success. The Ambiguity will still be there, but in the end, I will leave it up to Him to direct us to where we need to be and when. With faith in Him, at least the Ambiguity won’t be so worrisome.

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